Let the glory of Your name be the passion of the church,
Let the righteousness of God be a holy flame that burns,
Let the saving love of Christ be the measure of our lives,
Jesus, You are all to us.
{All to Us- Chris Tomlin}
There, in the middle of my worship, something hit me. Hard. See, as some of my friends know, I've been going through a tough time lately. When Robby and I moved to Lynchburg last month, we were so excited. He had a new job to start right away. I was sure I'd find a job quickly. Plus, in January, I'm going to school to begin pursuing my career goal of being a Physician Assistant.
However, when we got to Lynchburg, the job I had lined up fell through. Nothing else came. School doesn't start for a few months. For the first time since I was a child, I had nothing to work on. No school. No work. I found myself laying around the house most days, watching tv. Every few days I'd clean the apartment top to bottom and feel great. Still, slowly, I started feeling down.
"I have nothing to do"
"I sleep late because I have no reason to get out of bed"
"I just feel worthless"
I said these things, and more, to my husband as I tried to explain why I'm not quite myself. And I struggled to realize why I suddenly felt so worthless. I'd had breaks from college where I felt bored, but never like this. Plus, because I wanted to graduate a year early, my breaks were few and far between. For the past three years I worked almost constantly to graduate early. Now, I had nothing to work on. Sure, I could clean my house and make my husband's life easier. Sure, I could find somewhere to volunteer to my time. Sure, I could hang out with friends. I tried, with tears in my eyes, to explain to my husband that doing those things to fill my time would be pathetic. I told him that I couldn't be happy with a schedule that I made only to make myself feel better. I needed something important to do.
Sunday morning, standing in church, it hit me. I felt worthless because I wasn't working towards any prestigious accomplishments. I didn't have a busy schedule to make me feel important. I didn't have any big, important goals to 'complain' about.
I felt worthless because I have, for years, found my worth in accomplishments. I've gone from one thing to the next, barely pausing to breathe. I've also been carrying the heavy burden that comes when we try to work our way to 'self-worth'.
I stood in church and realized I'd never, not once, truly made the glory of God's name my passion. I had never found worth in His love. I'm currently suffering because I have no work to distract me from my lack of purpose. Degrees, jobs, and other accomplishments don't provide true purpose. But, if we keep busy enough pursuing them, it feels like they do. Then, when we're forced to be still and quiet, we try to rest in our accomplishments.... and we find that they provide little comfort.
My eternal purpose has nothing to do with degrees. It has everything to do with making the glory of God's name my passion. It has everything to do with measuring my life not by the world's standards, but finding my worth and purpose in knowing the saving love of Christ. It has everything to do with making Jesus my all.
What does it look like to make Jesus our all? To make the glory of His name our passion?
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21 (NIV)
